Hit Me

God, I want you to hit me
Put everything behind a punch and throw
Tyler, just say it
It isn't that I need to restart
It isn't that I am not masculine enough for today's society
It isn't that I need to just let raw power destroy the emotions
Just hit me
Screw the explanations and the planning
Fuck the upper floor and the modern world
Hit me, god damnit
It is just me and four walls
Pile and tile blood stains if you want
Let the linoleum soak up the aftermath
Just do it
Say it
Throw it
Fuck it
Hit me already
When I am standing in front of you
Heart pounding with anticipation
But then the scene ends
Hit me
Don't do it for the camera
Do it because you need to
"It's in the script"
Fuck the script
Hit me

"'Cause just one night

couldn't be so wrong"


Pennsylvania is everything I wanted. Average temperature: 76 degrees.
Tomorrow is Pittsburgh. Wendsday is haircut. No clue for the rest of the week.

I am a little confused as to what to do in this situation. Not how I imagined it would turn out. Not going to elaborate because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. It is just confusing.

I am definitely making new friends and rekindling old ones, along with strengthening the ones I have right now. I like it.

School is coming up. Improv Team. Advanced Acting. Productions. Only two things I am looking forward to. Oh well.

I love everyone and anyone. Hooray.

"I need a fix

'cause I'm going down"


Empty calls.

Dear You,

Out of all the people I have met in my life, I despise you the most. From the day I met you, I knew I didn't like you and wouldn't. We have virtually nothing in common. Nothing that gives a reason to try and communicate. In reality, the only thing that has come out of your mouth in regards to me for the past few years are criticism and commands. I am a younger brother, not a stepson. But when the time comes that you are able to point out the flaw in the way I am behaving, you step up and shout it for everyone to hear. If I dare as shout, I am punished. If I dare speak to you with the disrespect you give to me, I am in trouble. But remember when you made the mistake that branded you as nonredeemable to me? When I pointed out your flaw. When no one else spoke up to you except for me. You took it as disrespect. A child can't possibly put an adult in their place. Even if you don't tell me to do something or ask for help, you expect it? You assume that I am a mind reader like you think the rest of the family is? I know that I am young and stupid in your eyes. Both of yours. I feel like I can't actually speak to either of you because I am just looked at as stupid. Anything I say is either mispronounced or not explained well enough for you. You hate that I don't talk to either of you about what problems I have...but how am I supposed to? If the affairs I get myself into are just stupid teenage mistakes and I am the stupid teenager who is in them, why would I talk to the people who don't understand? That makes no sense.

And you. The only reason I am here. All my words are just bad teen poetry to you. All "Emo crybaby bullshit" in your eyes. Everything that I express is just plain over dramatic. I just bleed drama and cry melodramatics to you. I live to see the suffering and over exposure of attention from you in your eyes. In reality, your attention has been nothing but negative for the longest time. I pushed you away because I didn't want your help. I was sick of being the helpless child. I wanted to strive. It didn't work. Oh well.

You know, showing attitude is completely different from protecting myself. When I am about to get reamed for not helping when I was getting ready to is complete bullshit. Your expression of attitude was displayed before mine. "Oh, don't get up. It's alright. We've got it." That isn't a problem at all. I'm a mother fucking wall. Shoot whatever the fuck you want to at me. Say what you want. Take it all out and just say it all. It isn't like I can do anything about it. If I so dare as to protect myself from either of you, I am regarded as a "disrespectful, ungrateful, over dramatic, little shit". I can just say something in an annoyed tone to you and I'll get the threat of being punched in the mouth for it. Because you don't deserve it.

I don't know why I am even here.

"When you see yourself in a crowded room,

Do your fingers itch? Are you pistol whipped?"


The white noise is overpowering
I can't hear
All that comes to mind is static from the noise
The ever going confusion of sound that erupts and disrupts my thoughts
The thoughts never are complete
The intentions are not as follows
But I swear to god that I didn't mean it
When that light switch goes off
It is a new person
You can only induce panic at this point
Beyond you could ever imagine
More than you ever have
So much more than you ever will
As the bomb sirens go off
Raids are sending scuds and V2's our way
But even underground is unsafe
So bring your camera
To this Kodak moment of a mistake
As once again we find ourselves in turmoil
Sleep is nonexistent in the chaos
The turning and twisting of my stomach hurts
But I can't sleep with the noise

And god am I tired

Eastbound

"There is no way out

You can scream and you can shout
It is too late now
Because you're not there"



Worst part of this:not our fault

I would just love to slam my fists on the keyboard to show how much frustration I feel about this
And hope that epithets of hate and profanity spill out from the chaos
To show you exactly what it is like to be blind sighted by something you don't know about
To show you exactly how much you interfere with something that is common
Inevitable


I would just love to write out every adjective of disrespect and confusion I have for you
Because it would be too much to say
But paper can't contain this
My words would fall off and drift away from the regiment
And find their way and place in the world
And fuel the ongoing fire in the furnace I have built to supply the intensity of this disregard

I would just love to see how I act when August comes
Because I know that I won't ever speak of this to you
I am but a child to you, as she is
We are naive, confused, young, but as you have said countless times
"in love"
It is like you have the authority to rule over both powers
Declare what two plus two is

I would just love to be able to shout this from your driveway
Carve the words into every inch of your house
And just unload all of this emotional hatred on you

But I know I never will

"You broke another mirror,

you're turning into something you are not"



there has been this giant push about my future lately. college plans. housing plans. financial arrangements. it is all a little overwhelming.

i have to apply to colleges this year. state schools are incredibly cheap. i am looking at ASU and NAU. i also made Pitt and option.

i am making theater my undergraduate. i know that it is a long shot, but it is something i like doing and do well. i was just in the car, and the radiohead song came on, and as i approached a red light, i just said to myself, "you're going to make it someday..." and for the first time in a while, i kinda believed myself. i saw myself going places.

i need to make this name for myself this year. i have to become the person who is associated with the theater department. with the improv club and the shows...this year is my year to really breakout.

i just need to chill out and calm down. enjoy what i can before it gets too hectic. look forward to pittsburgh. look forward to starting a club. look forward to the next two years. it is time to get out there.