Care Tonight

You had kind eyes
The ones that held the love and wisdom to teach a boy
Teach him that there is love everywhere
Even when he doesn't feel it
And when he cries
He could always turn to see that someone is there

I like those eyes

You have red eyes
The ones that scream in pain while tears blister
Your voice trembles over the dinner table
As you scratch your way back to bed
Because everything hurts you now

I miss your eyes

You have everything
And I hate myself for not even realizing that someday
You won't be there to smile with me

And that someday could be tomorrow


I'm not ready to stop smiling

We can just stop.

^I think your blog is like this.
Just dying to fit in.

We don't need to be friends anymore.
Really.
At this point, I just don't care.
If you don't, okay.

Stoplight Roulette

I'll the know the world is ending
When I hear your voice in the radio
Emitting the lies that I once held so dear to my heart
Transmitting the words that deteriorate us

I'll gamble my life
With the barrel of a revolver in my mouth
Before I give it to you again

Drown

There is something romantic about not breathing
Unconscious intimacy dwelling on the dark side of dreams
As close to understanding what little we know as we will get
As truth and shallow worlds and hydrogen and oxygen wave over me

I want to see the blue turn into black
Send my nightmares and hopes to the bottom of the sea
Wash away what writings I tend to leave on the surface
And scrape the etchings of time away from the charred remains of renovation

I want to stop breathing
Stop the warm, consistent flow to know why I was brought here
Not have the burden of the sensation of weight of any sort among me
But just drifting down into the ocean, clear and black in harmony

Max

I'm looking forward to the rekindling of memories in two weeks
As a childhood story is being portrayed in a whole new way

It was our thing
There isn't another way to describe it
Just like Goodnight Moon, Green Eggs and Ham, Toy Story, and Nightmare Before Christmas

This is just one of our things

I think I might cry in the movie
As it has been somewhere near twelve years since that book was opened between us


I'm excited for the rumpus

Shared Documents

My eyes turn back
Search the inner electric synapses of my brain
Find out the plug is short circuiting my hardware
Stinging pulsation of volts shock my memory

Push to remember

I used to worship God
I taught myself how to write out of hate for the pencil grip
I had a multitude of imaginary friends that consistently moved away
I never lost a football game against myself in the backyard
I planted the maple tree at the corner of the fence

The maple tree is still there, but it is not mine
The backyard I used to conquer is now someone else's stadium
The friends have moved away and are in imaginary high school
The handwriting is sloppy and uneven because of the incorrect finger placement
And I find nothing in the word of God

Declaration of War

I want you to scream insecurities
Beg and plead to hear the words we once portrayed on canvas
Because one day, these words will go to waste
Buried before our corpses touch the casket
My last breath is less anticipated than my last word

One day, desolate deserts of despair will become the majority of the Earth
As our water decays and fades away into the ozone
Turn to toxins and venom after the contamination from my stabbing words
And rain hate all over the city you are in
So that not only will you be consumed in the rapture of regret
But you will watch the buildings you touched be purged of your recollection

I hope you feel as every memory burns and dissipates into nothing
Not even air
As that is still sustainable through the art of breathing
I hope the rain drowns and suffocates you
So that you will black out in the collapsing scene of this film
And wake up in the next scene in the credits
Far away from the public view
And be forced to watch the words escape the page
And watch you scrape at the screen to take them back

I want you to be corroded by the edge of my declaration of war
Let the wishes of the words and verbs take you away
As those are all we have left to fight our battles with

Challenge Her

The world is going down
Sinking into the black oblivion of the universe
Magnitude outplays longitude
Can you read our depth by the constellations?
How deep are we in?
When will we meet again?
When will we hit the dense bottom of the founding of life itself?
If cities on Earth are burning
Who is out there to keep us turning?
Suddenly nothing matters
The history we have made
The progress compiled
So minuscule in the grand scheme
Never have the stars looked so big
We can see the breath pulsate and resonate off of the light
The steel skeletons of the corporations are nothing now but dust
Even through the end, survival is not a must
Predestination makes no sense
We are destined to die

Unlocked

Low key
Slowly
Lead fills me up to my forehead
Help me from falling
Can't keep it up
I'll end up asleep on the floor

Don't help me
Leave me here
I can do it on my own
I swear
No need to kneel

You're A Balloon Booth

On the contrary
You are quite the carnival game
As we waste what we value
At your low funded and deserved gain
You seem to know how to play your own stage
Pop our wishes, hopes, and dreams
Knock down our smiles and self esteem
You are a puddle of misconstrued ligaments
Not much else seems to hold you together
We pay for you to have your way
Put down the mic that is your name
And leave us to play our game
And God forbid you see us smile
As this is war
Metal piercing the shallow, scattered hearts on the board
If for any reason it is your value on the mark
Drop the darts and the money and run
Turn away empty handed
Prizes are for winners only
And you make sure to make us feel the latter

Modern Motive

Contemporary is my new favorite word
It surrounds me
I have a contemporary pencil
Contemporary paper
Contemporary hair and clothing

I am the modern man
No mask will turn back time for me
Nostalgia has no home here

Contemporary house
Contemporary classroom
Contemporary friends

We find going outside a thing of the past
Digital and superficial worlds lay inside
Change is the booming business associate here

Contemporary art
Contemporary money
Contemporary crime

We can illegally alter our identity now
With just a sequence of altered and arranged numbers
Who are we here?

Opportunity Equipment

You've got blue jean shoes and a ripe attitude
HB2 says the might between my fingers
Manipulate the greatest powers you couldn't conceive
If at a time you would actually write
Not paint a picture for your newest flavor
But take time to realize that words mean more
More than just, "You're pretty and I like you"
But can give the trumpet at Jericho something to die for
We establish war and peace with a simple pen
The legal commitment and exile of life is signed after spoken
We write out words that you have broken

You call yourself a poet
No
You are a harasser of fluency
Murderer of monotonous medians
Generic dropout of theme
You think you have talent because of positive outlook
Positive input
You have never heard what you need to hear

So I will tell you
You are nothing more than a love sick
Fragment prone
Image densing
Anger commencing
Scribbling
Waste of breath and paper
With a pen

Educate Me

I couldn't help but to notice that you are a lot like my school schedule

Algebra:
You are a tab bit difficult to understand
Variables and complexes that lead to holding hands
Equations and intercepts that make it unclear
Getting past first period is just unconscious fear

English:
We begin to speak as soon as you come outside
Talking of modeling and bad music for the ride
It's when the silences never surface
That tonight has given more than purpose

Theater:
It's about time we start to act
Although nothing will happen, aware of this fact
If the night is our curtain, the mountain the stage
The first scene went well, from your reaction I gauge

Lunch:
Lunch is not a class. I don't compare women to objects, let alone food.

Latin:
Hidden meaning lost in your words
But gentle acceptance is given assured
Translate the story you've hidden in key
Lost in perception, regardless of me

Chemistry:
Here we finally feel to connect
Ionic bonds won't let us forget
This is temporary, a change of state
Properties leave as a mixture separates

Sociology:
Why? Why does it happen this way?
As we approach the end of the day
Talk are in depth and gathering meaning
The theory of cause is less than a feeling






I honestly think this is a crap poem. I just like my idea behind it.

"Give me

coffee and TV"




Nothing is real with insomnia
Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.

I am giving plays a rest after this one. DV is going to have a teen parody of a soap opera, and I am either being cast as the emo character or the jock character. Going to devote my time to that. Oh, and school.

I saw a tattoo of an ampersand on a band, and I thought it was pretty cool. I would get one, but it isn't meaningful, nor is it original.

"This means nothing to me

Because you are nothing to me"



Matthew looks like a bird.



Memorize. Memorize. Portray. Portray. Study. Feel. Feel. Perform. End.

Insomnia

I can say it all I want
All the sleepless nights
Watching the world turn as I speak softly
"You aren't real
You aren't real
I am enlightened
You aren't real"


What makes you so great?
Words that spew out as fast as your breath
Your newly styled primped haircut
Ego translates to "I" in Latin
And you couldn't fill that spot more perfectly
You are the ego
When in reality, you are the same decaying matter as the rest of us


There is nothing more I want than for you to hit me
Really
Nothing more
I would give my wallet to some jerk on the street
Call 911 just to tell them the emergency is is shoved up their asses
Just to get you to hit me


Deliver me, oh egotistical Ralph Lauren bottom feeder
Let's watch those pretty boy teeth get knocked in
I want to see you drop this act you call the truth and duke it out
Show me what you are actually like
Not this directed bullshit you read in your script of a head


We all know you
Come clean
Get soap

Oh, Watch

One timer
Two timer
Get out

Your imagery is a lie
Your words are just bad teen poetry
Grow up

I-
You know what? Nevermind.
You don't even deserve an angry poem.

Some things you didn't know about me

My favorite color is purple
I write a lot of poems and verses that never ever make it on here
I am a completely different person depending on where I am
My moods jump up and down drastically and spontaneously
I go to sleep with That 70's Show on in the background because it makes me feel like my friends are always around me
I'm one of the most stubborn people I know
I find that playing small segments on the guitar calms me or clears my mind
My favorite animal is either a wolf or a hawk
It is ironic that I like wolves because I also have a fear of dogs
I'm pushing this year for the realization that I will not make it into a college to even start acting, not just to excel
I think that I say some incredibly mean things when I am in a fight
I have three siblings, all are half siblings. I don't count it that way though
I'm pushing. Even right now, I am doing something to benefit me
I don't want kids. I think I would be a terrible father
I am finding it to be more comforting and more helpful when I am in a production
At this very moment, I feel very open about everything. Like I can say anything at this very moment in time and I will be okay

"I don't wanna hear your sad songs

Don't wanna feel your pain"


Writing some more. I promise I will update with better posts when I get a chance and am not about to fall asleep.

Basically, I have school on the weekdays, then rehearsal for The Seven Year Itch. Then weekends are my workdays.

More poetry in the works. Possibly some songs. Dunno.

"I can't help my feelings

I'll go out of my mind"


Okay. Relapse. Really? Let go. Get out of your little self proclaimed bubble and get over it.

Complete

Design the world, young man
As it is your home
Molecular architecture at it's finest
Make the world something to be proud of
Don't let the hate drown you in your dreams
It is only as bad as you make it seem

Set forth, young man
Journey forward
March into April with glory
Let no showers rain on your parade
And spring forward, allow no attack
For only you can hold Fall back

Step out of the door
You're no longer the boy playing on the floor
But a man who will do great things, I'm sure
Make the world your home and not your war
As this day I have been waiting for
Though I am old, tired, and sore

I love you, young man
You, and nothing more

Rapture

I speak the sultry sound of voice
When not given an option,
A chance or choice
I move in motion, malignant to all
Struggle to stammer
Flail and crawl
I speak the solemn language of sin
Because with perpetual life
Humanity doesn't win
I drink the droplets of desire and hate
To further pursue
Inevitable fate
I drown in judgment, all allure
Feelings that fuel my
Wanting for more
I fall in luster and illuminate the sea
My greatest triumph is
The end of me

Grawr.

1. I hope things turn out alright with us. You know that. I can't just walk away. Someday though.
2. I am glad we have become such good friends after the recent activities of our other friend. It means a lot to me.
3. This school year should bring us back. Like, I understand that it was something new, so you were immersed in it, but you did also kinda leave us in the dust. I don't hold it against you or her. I just hope it goes away.
4. We started talking, and it has slowly declined. Maybe I'm just a nag and can't take a hint, or there is legit reason why it is only a few at a time. I don't know. Either way, if or when you get a chance, I would still like to talk over coffee.
5. Lawl. You make me happy and keep me on my toes. Which makes no sense. You are a complete jerk but still a friend? Amazing. I'll only put up with it because it is you.
6. We don't really know each other. Like...we do...but don't. You seem like a really cool girl and I am looking forward to a year of drama and HP songs with you.
7. I wish we could settle down, but at the same time, I know we won't. It is ridiculous to even think we will. It is in our nature to do that. Oh well. I miss you quite terribly.
8. For the record, I'm sorry. You are an amazing friend and always have something to keep me up.


Dad, I can't wait to see you in both October and December. It's been a while.

Mum, thank you for...everything. I could make a list, but it would take too long.



I am not looking forward to this year...but with all of you, I know that I will do it.

"Control yourself

Take only what you need from it"


Stuff has been good. All I can really say.

I feel like things are going to get better. Honestly though, today I was a bit distracted with the current situation. I took a wrong turn to a friend's house that I know the way to without effort. THAT threw me off. But it will be getting better. I know it.

Note: It isn't just gone. Please stop saying it is. It isn't. When the time comes, we will both know. Just give time. Everything will be okay.

School starts Monday. Hooray. Only looking forward to my comfort class. Plus the productions and club that I am starting this year.

Once things actually get going, I can guarantee that most things will become complicated.

My posts are rather bland. Maybe the frustration of school will add some flare into these.

"This is what the world is for

Making electricity"


I haven't blogged in a while. PA was amazing. Average of 76 degrees. Rain. Sentimental talks with my grandfather...it all was what I needed.

These posts have been losing..."Umph" for a lack of a better word. Mainly because I am chilling out on what I decide to say. Not getting hot headed or going to be that blunt for now.

People have been finding their way back into my life all of a sudden. I find it interesting that it happened at a time I needed it most. Just like the way it happened with her.

Murder Mystery Party on Wed. Couldn't be more excited about it. It takes place in Maine of all places. Like we can portray that in Phoenix.

This upcoming year has so many changes and...suvdblufwvf. I can't describe what is going on right now. Connections are breaking but past things are rekindled and groups are forming and splitting. Hooray for evolution of sociability.

I can't get Radiohead and MGMT out of my head lately. Both are becoming daily listens.

Hit Me

God, I want you to hit me
Put everything behind a punch and throw
Tyler, just say it
It isn't that I need to restart
It isn't that I am not masculine enough for today's society
It isn't that I need to just let raw power destroy the emotions
Just hit me
Screw the explanations and the planning
Fuck the upper floor and the modern world
Hit me, god damnit
It is just me and four walls
Pile and tile blood stains if you want
Let the linoleum soak up the aftermath
Just do it
Say it
Throw it
Fuck it
Hit me already
When I am standing in front of you
Heart pounding with anticipation
But then the scene ends
Hit me
Don't do it for the camera
Do it because you need to
"It's in the script"
Fuck the script
Hit me

"'Cause just one night

couldn't be so wrong"


Pennsylvania is everything I wanted. Average temperature: 76 degrees.
Tomorrow is Pittsburgh. Wendsday is haircut. No clue for the rest of the week.

I am a little confused as to what to do in this situation. Not how I imagined it would turn out. Not going to elaborate because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. It is just confusing.

I am definitely making new friends and rekindling old ones, along with strengthening the ones I have right now. I like it.

School is coming up. Improv Team. Advanced Acting. Productions. Only two things I am looking forward to. Oh well.

I love everyone and anyone. Hooray.

"I need a fix

'cause I'm going down"


Empty calls.

Dear You,

Out of all the people I have met in my life, I despise you the most. From the day I met you, I knew I didn't like you and wouldn't. We have virtually nothing in common. Nothing that gives a reason to try and communicate. In reality, the only thing that has come out of your mouth in regards to me for the past few years are criticism and commands. I am a younger brother, not a stepson. But when the time comes that you are able to point out the flaw in the way I am behaving, you step up and shout it for everyone to hear. If I dare as shout, I am punished. If I dare speak to you with the disrespect you give to me, I am in trouble. But remember when you made the mistake that branded you as nonredeemable to me? When I pointed out your flaw. When no one else spoke up to you except for me. You took it as disrespect. A child can't possibly put an adult in their place. Even if you don't tell me to do something or ask for help, you expect it? You assume that I am a mind reader like you think the rest of the family is? I know that I am young and stupid in your eyes. Both of yours. I feel like I can't actually speak to either of you because I am just looked at as stupid. Anything I say is either mispronounced or not explained well enough for you. You hate that I don't talk to either of you about what problems I have...but how am I supposed to? If the affairs I get myself into are just stupid teenage mistakes and I am the stupid teenager who is in them, why would I talk to the people who don't understand? That makes no sense.

And you. The only reason I am here. All my words are just bad teen poetry to you. All "Emo crybaby bullshit" in your eyes. Everything that I express is just plain over dramatic. I just bleed drama and cry melodramatics to you. I live to see the suffering and over exposure of attention from you in your eyes. In reality, your attention has been nothing but negative for the longest time. I pushed you away because I didn't want your help. I was sick of being the helpless child. I wanted to strive. It didn't work. Oh well.

You know, showing attitude is completely different from protecting myself. When I am about to get reamed for not helping when I was getting ready to is complete bullshit. Your expression of attitude was displayed before mine. "Oh, don't get up. It's alright. We've got it." That isn't a problem at all. I'm a mother fucking wall. Shoot whatever the fuck you want to at me. Say what you want. Take it all out and just say it all. It isn't like I can do anything about it. If I so dare as to protect myself from either of you, I am regarded as a "disrespectful, ungrateful, over dramatic, little shit". I can just say something in an annoyed tone to you and I'll get the threat of being punched in the mouth for it. Because you don't deserve it.

I don't know why I am even here.

"When you see yourself in a crowded room,

Do your fingers itch? Are you pistol whipped?"


The white noise is overpowering
I can't hear
All that comes to mind is static from the noise
The ever going confusion of sound that erupts and disrupts my thoughts
The thoughts never are complete
The intentions are not as follows
But I swear to god that I didn't mean it
When that light switch goes off
It is a new person
You can only induce panic at this point
Beyond you could ever imagine
More than you ever have
So much more than you ever will
As the bomb sirens go off
Raids are sending scuds and V2's our way
But even underground is unsafe
So bring your camera
To this Kodak moment of a mistake
As once again we find ourselves in turmoil
Sleep is nonexistent in the chaos
The turning and twisting of my stomach hurts
But I can't sleep with the noise

And god am I tired

Eastbound

"There is no way out

You can scream and you can shout
It is too late now
Because you're not there"



Worst part of this:not our fault

I would just love to slam my fists on the keyboard to show how much frustration I feel about this
And hope that epithets of hate and profanity spill out from the chaos
To show you exactly what it is like to be blind sighted by something you don't know about
To show you exactly how much you interfere with something that is common
Inevitable


I would just love to write out every adjective of disrespect and confusion I have for you
Because it would be too much to say
But paper can't contain this
My words would fall off and drift away from the regiment
And find their way and place in the world
And fuel the ongoing fire in the furnace I have built to supply the intensity of this disregard

I would just love to see how I act when August comes
Because I know that I won't ever speak of this to you
I am but a child to you, as she is
We are naive, confused, young, but as you have said countless times
"in love"
It is like you have the authority to rule over both powers
Declare what two plus two is

I would just love to be able to shout this from your driveway
Carve the words into every inch of your house
And just unload all of this emotional hatred on you

But I know I never will

"You broke another mirror,

you're turning into something you are not"



there has been this giant push about my future lately. college plans. housing plans. financial arrangements. it is all a little overwhelming.

i have to apply to colleges this year. state schools are incredibly cheap. i am looking at ASU and NAU. i also made Pitt and option.

i am making theater my undergraduate. i know that it is a long shot, but it is something i like doing and do well. i was just in the car, and the radiohead song came on, and as i approached a red light, i just said to myself, "you're going to make it someday..." and for the first time in a while, i kinda believed myself. i saw myself going places.

i need to make this name for myself this year. i have to become the person who is associated with the theater department. with the improv club and the shows...this year is my year to really breakout.

i just need to chill out and calm down. enjoy what i can before it gets too hectic. look forward to pittsburgh. look forward to starting a club. look forward to the next two years. it is time to get out there.

seven thirty one (ex. 2)

"Hit the trenches!" were the screams that were emitted from the officer
As the young grays took the field
Pale
Scared
Fear flooding their eyes as the surviving grays hopped out and boarded the return train
The gray of their uniform barely showing
More mud and blood on them than clothing

The whistle blew, and the train left
We were left in the middle of the soggy terrain
The black coated officer jumped down and erected a turret station on a protruding rock
The craters from bombs and shells of vehicles of destruction littered the Bellevue battleground

We stood
Rifles and pistols ready
Our knifes in our coat jackets aching to be unsheathed
The ragged bunch from Titusville wouldn't last this fight
Not without their treaty with Harrisburg and Allentown

I looked across the fog to see the crumpled remains of the first squadron from the enemy
The dismembered and crippled bodies of the Titusville soldiers laid in a peaceful oblivion
Unaware of what has become of world

An eruption of engines broke from the Tight Line
"Drakes!" were the shouts of the grays
The drakes were Titusville's only real weapon against our Steel City
Tanks that were built from whatever cars they could find
Scrap metal and junkyard arsenal
Each drake having a different purpose

The officer grabbed the mount and waited
Grays stood
Anxious
Afraid

The first drake flew from the Tight Line
"Grays! Shoot the tires! We want to show the drakes what will happen if they attempt to burn our City of Steel!"
The officer had something in mind

One by one, the young trainees fired
Each bullet hitting the scrap tank
Each one getting closer to the rubber
Each getting closer to them witnessing cruel acts beyond thought

It worked

The front left tire spun off as the junk truck collapsed into the mud
"After 'im ya grays! Yinz gotta get 'im!" yelled one of the senior ranks
A small group of grays jumped out and pulled the drey from the flaming car
Four took him to the Steel Line as the fifth sent a bullet into the gas tank
Ultimately saying to the Tight Line to not push

The four boys threw him down
Then took the steel wire we all carry and tied him down
The overcast began to spew rain at this point
Our trench slowly pooling

Our flag flew heavy behind us
Supported by a concrete block
The large metal pole was what the officer had in mind

The officer in black called all of us in line to face the prisoner
He was a young kid
Pale
Dark haired
Bright lips
His brown uniform tearing in multiple places

He was about the same age as me
Would have been a gray, but the dreys don't have sectioned troupes by age

"Attention all grays. This is our example to the Tight Line. We must show them why the City of Steel is not one to challenge!"
At this moment, he took the steel wire he had in his pocket, then began to sew it in and out of the boys lips
Sewing his mouth shut with our product
"You speak against our steel, our steel silences you"
The drones repeated the phrase
The young boy whimpered and tried to scream
But only increased his pain
The officer began to sew his eyes
Gently pulling the eyelids up and thrusting the point through
Tears rolling down in a bloody mess
"You see a problem in our city, we correct your vision. There are no problems"
Repeat

The boy had fallen into the mud
Blood and tears streaming down his face
Many grays turning to vomit from being forced to watch

The officer wound a fair amount of wire around his neck
Then secured it to the rope of the flagpole

"Lieutenant, please raise the flag."
The officer spoke coldly to a shaking and queasy gray
The gray was about to speak when the officer turned and flashed a steel frown at him
His trembling lips stopped as he proceeded to the flag

We watched as the strong, yet shaking hands of the gray pulled the rope
Each tug lifting the boy up
His legs kicking in the air and muffled screams drifted into the night

Once he was at the top, there was no more kicking
No more screaming

The engines stopped
The Tight Line disappeared

Playing a show

Tomorrow
In Tempe


This song, along with another
Looks like I fell right into a band

"Despite all my rage

I am still just a rat in a cage"



No matter how much I write
How much I don't care
How at peace I am with it

I will still be taking jabs at you



reflect is on cinder blocks in the front for now
seven thirty one has my focus


I just had the memory of me and my dad blasting Anna Nalick on the radio
2 A.M. is a great song
End of story


I miss Pennsylvania
It has been a year since I last went, and it was fun while it lasted
It is always fun finding what trouble my grandfather and I can get into


I can't beleive that this is still on the site
This is a picture of me, my father, and the then Miss Pennsylvania
Outside of the motorcycle dealership my grandfather's best friend used to own before he passed


It's good that the new story idea came to life
It is something I am way too interested in to let slide

Wish List

Retro Sport Dolphins Tee
Pittsburgh City of Champions Tee
Macbeth Manchesters
Levis Jeans 511
3/4 Sleeve Raglan Tee
Local Smalltown High School Sports Shirts

seven thirty one

The heel of the boot stood and struck me prominently in the jaw
Pulps of red began to emerge from my lips
My hand raised to my mouth to examine the damage
Laughter of the young recruits filled the air
The bloody pulp that had emerged from my mouth was most of my bottom lip
As crimson poured from the gaping hole that was now my mouth
Mixed in with the wet soot and soil in the rain

I looked up to see the booted man
The young gray sentinels stood like steel pillars against the overcast
The burned remains of homes and holding cells littered the world

The booted man extracted a kerchief from his pocket and neatly wiped away the vile on his polished shoe
He called over a cadet who handed him a pair of pliers
My tooth is the price for not biting the bullet
"Forgive me, comrade. This is now mine"

The boot erupted on the side of my ribcage
Shattering my breathing
The snap of his leather fingers signaled for the towers of youth to evacuate

I picked up the mess that was my lip
Looked down at the mess that was my uniform
Looked up at the mess of world

Famous Last Words

To all of those who have given their concern of what happened to us.
To all of those who wanted to escalate a situation that did not concern them.
To all of those who left after I took the road less traveled by.
To all of those who pointed out the fact that a mistake was made.
To all of those who tried to take advantage of the vulnerabilities of the situation.
To all of those who constantly reminded us of what happened when we were at peace.

And most importantly:
To all of those who felt the need to insist that I was making a bad situation worse by continuing.


"I am not what I ought to be,
Not what I want to be,
Not what I am going to be,
But I am thankful that
I am better than I used to be."

Thank you.

Google Autocomplete

Google now has the option that will generate a drop down list of the most common searches based on what you have typed into the search box.

So, I was pressing keys and reading it.
I typed "N", and I saw that "nipples" was one of the top searches.
Type in "P", and "poop" is one.
"S", you get "sexual intercourse", followed by "Susan Boyle".
"T" gives you "thong".
"U" gives you "ugly people" as one.
"I" gives you "images".


Really?
I know that there are more search options compared to those, but those are on the top?
I mean...who is sitting at home with the brilliant idea to try to search Google Images for images? Or the others...why are you looking that up? For what reason would you need an image of poop?


That function should be disabled...

"Who can it be now?"

*saxophone riff*


Andrew and I are throwing an 80's party this Friday. I will be sure to post pictures. My outfit is beyond awesome.


Job search has been less than successful. What else is new?

New story idea! reflect is still being worked on, but I really want a distopian society story. Another collection of pieced together pages of a journal of some sort while living in a futuristic society in which power and wealth are the ruling powers and the thoughts of reason and logic are considered a threat to society. Something that would give a feeling of a more threatening sense of nostalgia. Like you are afraid to come to face what has happened in the past because of a recollection that is close to you. Maybe even a frame tale? Multiple characters living in the same community with their different views given. Just something I have in my head.


I have found myself drawing a lot more. I'll post or send some pics of what pretty soon.

From the pink dress and Creme Brulee

to our midnight talk on the 22nd of May.


I'm glad we are the way we are right now.
:)

HOLYMARINOCSOKNALITTLEGRIESEMORRISSHULA

http://fanshop.tucson.com/Miami-Dolphins-Retro-Helmet-T-Shirt_-89196677_PD.html

Retro Dolphins Shirt
Size is available in a small
Located in Tucson

UYFDTOSUYIFGOH"IGDHIUGOIHGOAHKPDBOJHVIGPUIWUGOVFWDUCTYIUGODJSHVIG:UCIGOHGDSAJH
OH MY GOD!

"What's your name,

Whose your daddy?"



Haven't updated in more than a month. Kinda sad.

In the past month, I've:
Gone on Vacation
Got a Facebook
Worked things out with Alia
Finished Sophomore year
Got my license


Things I'm doing this summer:
Summer School
Art project with Alia
Getting a job
Finishing reflect
Starting up a band (in all honesty, this won't happen)


Glad I got to catch up on that.
I'll be blogging more this summer. The past month was just busy, so I didn't really get the chance to blog.

"Who remains when the curtain falls?

Who remains when the curtain goes down?"



Even though it was on Scrubs, something was said along the lines of, "There will be the guy who hurts you and makes the problem resurface, but the only thing that matters is if he is still the guy there at the end of the day"

Totally not the exact quote and I will probably never know the exact quote because I refuse to watch Scrubs.

Alia said it to me the day I was out sick. Or did she? I know I was at my grandparent's house. It has definetely been on my mind lately. Maybe I'm just naive, but I beleive it. If someone has a problem but is still able to be willing to be there, there is something worth keeping.

Disney on Friday. I haven't memorized my lines yet, which will be a pain in the ass to do, but oh well. Took up the extra part after our little diva (the word we kinda just associate with it now...or at least Alex and I) fit happened. Gone til May 6th. w00t for getting to do 2 weeks worth of homework in just 1.


Oh man. It's 12:01, meaning it is 4/20, and I had my iTunes on shuffle, and Smoke Two Joints by Sublime came on. Random irony is great. Just like those dumb little surveys on myspace where you put iTunes on shuffle and answer the questions by going song to song. Best one I ever had (which wasn't even that good) was:
How many kids are you going to have?
Count 'em One, Two, Three by The Maine

Actually, I'm going to do one of those right now.

Opening Credits: Outro-Attack Attack! (kinda lame...ending of an album...all slow)
Waking Up: Hollaback Boy-Cobra Starship (no sense)
First Day At School: Stockholm Syndrome-Muse
Falling In Love: Bro Ashley's Here-Attack Attack! (these aren't any good unless they make sense)
Fight Song: The Fight Song-Marilyn Manson (see? that one is a good one!)
Prom: Karma Police-Radiohead (ohp! looks like a showdown to me!)
Life’s OK: Good Golly Mrs. Molly-Little Richard (my dad is probably laughing to see that I actually put this on my iPod)
Mental Breakdown: Hysteria-Muse (that's a good one too)
Driving: Won't Go Home Without You-Maroon 5 (eh...)
Flashback: Apocalypse Please-Muse (depressing!)
Getting Back Together: No One Knows-Queens of the Stone Age (hahaha. kinda like right now)
Birth of Child: Shake It-Metro Station (oh dear... that's grave)
Wedding: White Wedding-Billy Idol (yay! they should start to make sense!)
Final Battle: Die Romantic-Aiden (1. I can't believe I still have this on my iPod 2. this movie would suck)
Death Scene: Anyway You Want It-Journey (I die at Walmart. BTDUBS I freaking rock this song on Rockband. I hit the "All Night" notes perfectly)
Funeral Song: All I Have To Do Is Dream-Paul Anka (dad is probably calling my grandfather to laugh with him)
End Credits: Let's Get It On-Marvin Gaye (ooph...that's embarrassing...sorry dad. not going to lie...I belt this song like a pro when I'm alone...I like to pretend I've got soul)


How does the world see me?
Mo' Money, Mo' Problems-Notorious BIG ft. P. Diddy and Mase (total 90's song)
Will I have a happy life?
Honey-The Hush Sound (life is pretty sweet?)
What do people really think of me?
Somebody Told Me-The Killers (scandalous)
Do people secretly lust after me?
Adalia-Madina Lake (ahahaha...when she reads this, she'll laugh)
How can I make myself happy?
Weekend Warriors-A Change of Pace (I party...duh...)
What should I do with my life?
OK, Time For Plan B-Enter Shikari (that's not good)
Will I ever have children?
Plug In Baby-Muse (a robotic one)
What is some good advice for me?
Keep On Moving-Starstylers (ahaha...this kinda makes sense)
What do I think my current theme song is?
When the Day Met the Night-Panic at the Disco (this just...ugh...not cool. I just stubbed my toe out of suspicion of it coming up)
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
When a Jealous Man Finds A Gun-Enter Shikari (this one is great too)
What type of men/women do I like?
The Most Beautiful Girl(In The Room)-Flight of the Conchords (this survey is turning out much better than the last one)
What is my day (tomorrow) going to be like?
A Jagged Gorgeous Winter-The Main Drag (lies!)
Why am I here?
Just Dance-Lady GaGa (I knew I should have not put this on my iPod. I had the idea to do a cover, and it would be a great cover...but...ugh...)
What will people remember me for?
Megalomaniac-Incubus (well that's not good!)
What song will I get stuck in my head tomorrow?
Don't Stop Believing-Journey (oh c'mon! who doesn't get this stuck in their head?)
What will this year be all about?
Fight for Your Right-Beastie Boys (looking that way!)

Might as well give you a little insight to my iTunes:
How many songs total:497
How many hours or days of music:1.2 days

Sort by song title
First Song:Acid Nation-Enter Shikari
Last Song:3's and 7's-Queens of the Stone Age

Sort by time
Shortest Song:Spongebob Grindpants-The Devil Wears Prada (0:55)
Longest Song:Frances the Mute-The Mars Volta (14:36)

Sort by album
First album:Absolution-Muse
Last album:40 Oz. To Freedom-Sublime

Top Five Most Played Songs
1.When the Day Met the Night-Panic at the Disco (103)
2.Mothership-Enter Shikari (86)
3.Labyrinth-Enter Shikari (76)
4.No Swweat-Enter Shikari (70)
5.Jonny Sniper/Intro-Enter Shikari (68)




I need to stop my internet antics!

I make mistakes

I make a lot of mistakes

I'm very aware

Every time you chime in with whatever bullshit you want to add
You just remind me that you were one of those mistakes


These are all mistakes
I don't care what you say
I am a good person
Everyone is
It is when you start to do things on purpose for personal gain that you develop into something bad

If I were honestly a bad person
It wouldn't mean shit to me
I wouldn't be at the point I am now

If I really were a bad person
I wouldn't stand up for people when they are spoken or acted against
I wouldn't try to right the wrongs I make
I wouldn't give a fuck about what I do to myself

Honestly
How can someone say, "You deserve to die" in regards to something like this?

Really
When you are interested in someone, things are put past you
So if she likes me, maybe that is being put past her
You are doing it just the same
It isn't like someone you find to be of interest hasn't made mistakes
It isn't like I saw that a mistake he made was getting on the ALEX high as a kite and smelled like he bathed in bong water

It was a mistake
I have realized that
Just like all people do
We can't all be perfect like you in your family
There is an obvious right and wrong
Of course


Picking the wrong is what is known as a mistake
Not a permanent reminder of your fuck up
It happens for a reason

Just like how we eventually came to peace with our mistake


Seriously
We don't like each other
Fine
Let's stop trying to show her who is better suited to her life and leave it between us

"This is what you get

when you fuck with us!"




I think this is a great cover.
Here is the original (which is better, but you gotta give Panic props for such a good job):


The video is great. Totally fits with the song. I love it. So poetic and true. You get what you do. It happens. I don't believe it, but no matter what it happens. I think the video demonstrates it very well. I still ask myself why he doesn't just go off the road, but oh well. This song has been stuck in my head for the past week.

Missed school today. Sick sick sick. Better now.

I am honestly writing this blog because I need to keep myself interested in being awake. Creative procrastination, really. I have a ton to do tonight, so I might as well do something in between to make sure I stay awake and not jump out my window (that wouldn't do anything. My window is a foot off of the ground).

Speech time. Zoboomafoo, Sesame Street, and Where the Wild Things Are.

"It feels weird to kiss you now"

"Why?"
"'Cause of your beard"
-Katie

Kutner

I'm completely bummed. House doesn't have the answer to this. And there were no signs! Ugh! They better explain this shit later. I don't want to spoil it, but Kutner commits suicide. There were no signs of it or anything. They need to explore this in later episodes. Kal Penn is going to work for the Obama administration, and is quitting acting for the time being. This really sucks. House doesn't have the answer! This is madness! This pokes a flaw in the whole concept of House! This better resolve itself.


Although, on the lighter note, Meat Loaf made a guest appearance. That was nice. He was Eddie in Rocky Horror and Robert Paulson in Fight Club. Hooray.

DV Improv

Oh yeah. Completely forgot. Next year I will be a co-founder of the Desert Vista Improv Group. It is going to be awesome.

It won't necessarily be all improv. We are going to have bimonthly shows of skits and improv, along with public demonstrations and stuff like that.

We will be taking a few freshmen, a few sophomores, and even less juniors. Chris and I will be giving tips and really trying to make a family out of it. It is going to be awesome.

Auditions are being held next year, so if you happen to read this, and are interested, keep your ears open.

"Must be your skin

that I'm sinking in"


I think it is settled for a while. This plan is going to work. It has the elements of slowly allowing more trust to settle in, along with more communicating about actual problems when a fight comes up. I think what I am going to do is make a list of the things needed to be achieved in this relationship to make sure that we aren't being hurt. Each goal can be worked on little by little and one at a time. Eventually it will work out. I'm confident in it. Just have to have faith.

I've been in a huge 90's phase recently. Probably due to the station I always listen to while I drive. It's all stuff that I remember when I was younger. Like, I always had the memory of being afraid of the video for Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground because the guy was in a hole and a spider was crawling next to him. Grunge is really making its way back into my iPod.

Probably going to get my license on Friday. I really hope so.

My uncle is coming out to Phoenix this weekend. I haven't seen him in...let's see...nine years. I came out here in 2000, and been here since, so yes. It will be interesting.

I've pushed reflect away for a while due to a certain argument with my mother, but I think I'm ready to pick it up again.

Disney is fast approaching. With all of these problems arising, it worries me, but I feel that the plan will work.



The sun came up. It has before and there is nothing stopping it from rising tomorrow. I can only expect it and make the best of each day. Stop wallowing and fight. It is the only way I won't drown in this sea of confusion. And as long as the sun brings you to me, I'll keep kicking. It's time to breathe.

Seriously?

When did tee shirts get so damn expensive? I've been looking into getting a Dolphin distressed logo shirt for the next season (since I will actually be able to wear it the day after a win, unlike Freshman year when I wore my jersey once...tear), and all of the shirts are from $27 to $40. I don't get it.

Why is it something that is recreated to look vintage costs more?
Just like the Pittsburgh shirt (which is $28, but am highly considering), it doesn't make sense.

I narrowed it down between two shirts, and either way I'm screwed.


This one is only in youth sizes, so I would have to get a youth large or extra large, and costs $22.
http://teenormous.com/go?id=Football-Fanatics-Reebok-Miami-Dolphins-Youth-Orange-Distressed-Logo-T-shirt-88165


This one is in regular sizes, so I could just get a small, and is definetely my choice out of the two. Whooping price of $30.
http://teenormous.com/go?id=80stees-Miami-Dolphins-t-shirt-by-Junk-Food-41048


I haven't actually talked about that. Football is the only sport I care to follow. Grew up watching it and was raised playing it. I've been a Dolphin fan since I can remember. Don't know why. I think it has something to do with my dad liking them (as no one else in the family did: Grandpa likes the Steelers, Grandma liked the Browns until they split, then started in with the Dolphins, my Mom was a Bears fan, my Stepmom was an Eagles fan, but now I think she supports the Pats, which sucks, and my entire neighborhood were either Steeler or Brown fans). It also might have to do with Dan Marino (along with Joe Montana, Joe Namath, Johnny Unitas, and Marc Bulger) were all from Western PA like me, and Marino happened to be the QB of the team that I felt most supportive of. That is also how I got started on the number 13 thing.

That is probably one thing I kinda miss. None of my friends really care about it, and it's cool, but I feel like a complete idiot coming to school the next day to brag to no one.

Eh. Oh well.
I need a shirt. My jersey is unfortunately not fitting like it should.

"Go tell all your friends

that this is the end"



This song always puts me in a better mood. All of their songs do actually.
Even though there is a lot of mistreatment going on and biased rules being placed, it all just reminds me that I am not the manipulative one. It is about time someone told you that this is the end. All I will say about that.

This band is amazing. I remember sitting in Maine with my dad watching TV when I first saw them. At my house in Maine, we have something around 28 channels. We have 2 TV Guide channels (one of which is louder than the other for some reason), a blank channel, the standard issue NBC, ABC, and PBS, 2 ESPNs, 2 French channels (for the folks from the French speaking part of Canada that doesn't touch mainland Maine), and a local channel. What is cool about the local channels is their emphasis on locality demonstrating what they find interesting. This guy had a segment where he has 10 music videos that fit in a certain category and shows them. My dad was watching it when this techno beat came on, and it was cool an all. But then they start with the guitars and screams and...I laughed at first. It was something completely innovative though. Trancecore.


It's about time to take plan B to be honest.


Problems have risen...but I think that they are gone. I know that more will come, but I just have to accept it. So do you. We can't stop it. We can figure out a way to deal with it and work through it.


Writing a song. Melatonin is pushing me to sleep.

Flight

Had to do this paper for English.



C H A P T E R T W E L V E
A S T A N D I N G O V A T I O N

I finished filing the reports that Mr. Bloomingdale heedlessly bestowed upon me on my way out the door and rushed to the car.
Damn him…always having me stay as he takes every new receptionist out for dinner.
The key almost snapped off in the lock as I twisted it, imagining the stock of it was the only part of Mr. Bloomingdale he thinks with. My eyes drifted to his parking spot while I buckled my seat belt. I still don’t understand the point of an executive parking space. They already get a higher income, an office with a view (as opposed to my empty 3x4 of particle board they call a cubicle), and the managerial privilege of leasing a new car with the company every four years for the employee price. If someone in a lower position gets to work before someone like Mr. Bloomingdale, they should have the right to take that damned space.
It would be like going into the Drive-Thru at McDonald’s, and them allowing you to cut ahead of all the other customers because you agreed to “Super Size” your meal.

The drive home was nothing short of a sad song. I remember driving past a group of young kids playing in the overcast. Like the postal service I guess; persistent enough to deal with whatever is given to them.
The only difference is the kids are probably more dependable than the mail-men.
Parking in the driveway just reminded me of how alone I was. I got out of the car and took a good look around me to find nothing but trees. Stepping into the kitchen through the long hallway, I sat down my briefcase. I called out only to hear an echo of my own voice.
Alone.
Again.
I walked into the dusky parlor, on the verge of tears. The wood paneling on the floor creaked as my heels clicked on them. All around me there were pictures of a family, all in classic black and white.
All happy.
What do I have?
The burning and suffocating feeling came when my tears started. I tossed myself onto the blue velvet fainting couch and sobbed.
There are bookshelves full of photos and diaries and memories right there. Bookshelves full of the feelings and memories they loved.
Where are my memories?
I was overcome by the weight of my eye lids closing the dam that were my flooding eyes. They gently folded as I drifted off to sleep.

Suddenly, the room collapsed in a burst of light. I felt myself rise to find the floorboards warped into a rounded edge, making a stage. The ground was covered in a small layer of snow, and large, towering icebergs littered the stage. A backdrop of coarse deep blue velvet hung heavy; as beautifully painted lanterns were let down to give the indication of stars. I looked out to see what was there, but I saw nothing but a wall of the same material the backdrop consisted of. About to leave, I started to make my way to the wings when a grand noise erupted from the outside of the wall. I attempted to walk towards the noise when the wall split apart, a burning light blinded me. A wave of violins gave their beginning thrust of music as applause erupted from the light. I covered my eyes to see, but the light persisted with its siege. Finally the light dimmed, and I caught a glimpse of my audience. Every person who had their picture in the parlor was attending tonight’s performance. Still in black and white. I saw what appeared to be a young girl sitting in the very front row, clutching an antique porcelain doll, staring in awe at the set. A thrust of stringed instruments broke me from my stare.
They are expecting a performance.
I glanced down at my body to discover it decorated in a ballerina costume, along with an elegant headdress. The music began to play, and I involuntarily began to dance. My body spun and twirled and leaped all over the stage, my muscles not doing a thing. As if I were the doll for an invisible girl, I pranced and plied over the icebergs and left tiny footprints in the snow. The music was soothing and calm, an orchestral accompaniment to my show.
I felt needed.
Like someone actually cared. My heart seemed to swell at the thought of my audience enjoying watching me.
At that moment, the music stopped. My body froze mid leap over the tallest iceberg. There was a large pause, before all the grey figures arose in cheer and clapped and applauded me. Grey roses were thrown onto the stage. Top hats were rocketed into the air in celebration.
Thank you.

"Nothing feels like home

You're a thousand miles away"




I can't maintain anything. Even if I fix it, I screw it up somehow.

Always unintentional.


Just call me Leonard.

"Nothing left

but a memory"



I hope this is the right decision...

"There's so much to dream about,

there must be more to my life"



Great song. Great metaphor. In case you don't get it (which I wouldn't be surprised: it took me a few glances to get it), Boiled Frogs is a play on humanity. You wanna boil a frog, then you do it gradually and slowly let it die, and only if you put them in water that is already boiling hot will they try to escape. Sorta like...instead of burying yourself slowly, make an effort to get out of the situation before it becomes a necessity.

I've got a new song in the works, and I am really excited about it. I might post it. Not sure. It's called Capone Doesn't Have Anything On Me, and it's pretty cool. Mob references. They work very well in the situation.



This is actually going to be a short post. I am watching a movie of a book I'm reading called The Boy In Striped Pajamas. I'll do a review of it tomorrow.

"I hope you had the time

of your life"

I'm not putting the song up here. You know it. I know it. Only more sad smiles of acceptance will come of it.

I was driving back home from Jamba Juice when it happened. We have satellite radio in the car, so there are hundreds of channels of specific genres of music. The station I always listen to is grunge and 90's rock. I was just a street or so away from home when Good Riddance came on, and I felt like dropping my mom and sister off and going to an empty space to just cry. I haven't listened to that song all the way through since I sang it at our 8th grade promotion ceremony. That moment suddenly was all that my mind was focused on.

It really got me thinking. Where would I be without what I learned in 8th grade? I looked down at my seat and said in my head, "You could very well not be where you are at this second without it". It was huge. All of my Mr. Reed moments came to mind and the moments when my squad finally had realized we aren't all that different. It was literally overwhelming. I realized that I have impacted so many peoples lives. There are of course my peers who have never let me forget how I affected them, but then I remembered I was a counselor. All the kids in my squads really wanted to learn from me. They all wanted to hear what I had to say and how I wasn't much different from them. Although only one of the two squads I watched over really got the lesson, both really grew. The first time I went up (the weekend of my birthday), we had done the diversity walk, where everyone stands in a large circle and someone reads off a list, and if you identify with what the speaker said, you walk to the middle of the circle, face the people beside you, then face the outside, then walk back. I remember at the beginning when all of the kids were laughing and kidding around and doing what they normally would...but by the end of it...there wasn't any of that. I remember one of the kids in my squad specifically. He seemed like the kids that was in school to make the others smile, as if he never had a wrong to frown about. He was extremely short and an overall good kid. When his squad mates saw him crying, they knew that there was something more serious to worry about. All of those kids looked up to me to show them that lesson-the brutally honest lesson that we are not to be segregated and put down. All of the kids seemed to look up to me. They felt so comfortable with me that when they found out it was my birthday, all of them started to crowd around me in the dining hall singing happy birthday, then all tackled me. I mean everyone. Kids I didn't get the chance to talk to were taking their time to show me that they cared.

The second time I went, the squad got it. I know they did. Our first discussion was so intricate that we were late to dinner because of our sharing. Those kids were great. They were all so eager to hear my stories and for me to listen to theirs and know that I was listening seemed like a god send for them. They all welcomed me and the other counselor like a part of their squad. We even had two teachers come by to our discussions because they heard that ours got so deep and intimate that they wanted to see and share with us. That is how well we led our discussions: teachers and adults wanted to see how we handled it and how we connected with the kids. Wait...we had a total of three adults I think. The new L.A. teacher, the T.A., and the new science teacher.

To be completely honest, this is it for my blogging tonight. Too much to comprehend for one night.

"What are you

on about?"



Ughhh...I will never forget how I won tickets to the last MCR tour before they went into their break from these guys over myspace-and not being able to accept them do to not telling my mom my movie ran late.

C'est La Vie as Alia would say.

I am really glad MCR is out again. They did a Dylan cover for the movie adaptation of Watchmen which I am hoping to see sometime soon. I like most of Zack Snyder's films. He did both 300 and a remake of Dawn of the Dead.

Oh! I haven't talked about that yet!

I was very pleased to remember that the original creator and setting of the Dead films are Pennsylvania packed. George Romero is obviously inspired by his 'burgh heritage. He was born in New York, but went to Carnegie Mellon (same college as my parents). He set all of his films in PA, and it just kinda makes my heart warm. Having Pittsburgh and Monroeville and other rural places in PA be the setting of the film industries most well known zombie franchise just makes me full of home state pride.

So, part two of my hometown memories:



This guy is just hysterical to listen to. He reminds me of my grandfather and his phone. Does little bits of video to send to his buddies.

This is in a store called Kraynaks, which is basically your store you would shop at if you were ages 60-80 and a woman. It is seriously a screaming sale for old cat ladies. I can't lie. But I used to love it for two reasons. First, which I am most fond of, was their set up of Thomas the Tank Engine train set. It was my favorite place to go to play. I would call it Trainaks when I was little. Then around Christmas, that tunnel in the video was a family must visit. It just kinda seems like that is a part of Disneyland that was moved to middle of no where PA.

I have found a new addiction. Trader Joes Chicken Fried Rice. It is great. A microwavable stir fry.

Oh! I haven't said this either. I have short hair now. I got it cut a few weeks ago, and it is the shortest it has been in almost 4 years. It's nice though. I think I am actually going to keep it this way, along with not dying it black anymore. It's pretty nice. My face is visible.

Also, today was my first day back from break. Besides bombing a quiz, I think it went pretty well. I feel great due to after school though. I came home and hopped in the shower (it is pushing the summer heat digits). Then I took my after school Ritalin and did something that made me feel great: did my homework. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to most people. To most, it is something that comes naturally. Not for me, and it has been that way for years. But today I sat down and just did it all. I honestly felt like crying because it was like a huge load was lifted from my shoulders. It seriously felt like I accomplished the highest degree of medical school after I put everything back into my backpack. I felt extremely proud of myself. I also had the time to take out the recyclables without being asked, write a little more of reflect (first day of writers block though, so not much was accomplished there), and read a little further in Les Miserables for English. This all sounds pretty childish, really. All of these things are usually discovered when you are in Middle School and you are actually managing your time and all of that, but Middle School was a little rough for me. Considering at the very beginning of it I had a certain experience I wish to never encounter again kinda set me off track, the rest of the duration was very minimal. It sorta hurts to say that the most I ever tried in Middle School was in 8th grade when my writing would reflect my appreciation and adaptation to the humanities of the English course. I think that was when I decided that I want to do my own thing. I still have every paper Mr. Reed (my 8th grade English teacher) graded. Every paper he left me notes saying how he loved my way with words in the essays, and how he just loved watching as my poetic abilities flourished with each turn. I don't think that I have felt this good about school work since that point.

I was reading this book called Fallen Angels, and it is about an African American soldier in Vietnam. I remembered reading a part where his squad was to do an emergency sweep of the Vietcong attacking a village and all of the horrors they encountered there. It was then when it hit me: Mr. Reed was in Vietnam. I knew he was. I never had the guts to ask him about it. I wouldn't want to resurface any memories that he might have suppressed, but at the same time I wanted to know what he had gone through. He shared stories about what he experienced in everyday life and how we should take them and cherish them all. Something just told me that he had seen more than he shared, and I don't blame him at all for not sharing. I just really wish I could sit down and talk to him about it.

In Rockland, there was this shop for sort of Eastern artifacts and merchandise. I walked in and simply browsed and ended up buying a Tibetan Buddhist incense holster. The woman working there was interested to see me there and gave me this white cloth that is given out of respect in the culture. She said it was because she respected my youth, but also the respect and interest I took in her culture. When I heard many of Mr.Reed's stories, I slowly began to admire him more and more. Then I remembered the cloth. I remember wrapping it up and placing it in my backpack, then going to his class. I waited for everyone to leave, then took it out and explained it to him. I then gave him the cloth. It was a very deep moment. We had a few tears and one of those hugs where it is one armed, but extended. He still has it to this day, and it has almost been three years.

I have a piece of artwork I would like to give to my dad, but I'm not sure yet. I still might add some stuff or at least give it a nice support. I have no use for it though. Might as well give it away. I'm not sure what he would do with it, but it just sorta seems like I should send him it because it is a piece of work that he can actually relate to.


I just talked indirectly to my father when he is one of the few people who actually reads this.
I feel so cool.

"You've got the right of way!"

I got a huge chuckle out of this. Same guy from the Lube video. Another something I can relate to. Camden is hell getting around in for this exact reason. He's absolutely right though. We go down to Darimascotta, and its true.

Fun Fact:
Darimascotta is obviously not in the dictionary. I know that I spelled it wrong, but I clicked for suggestions on spelling, and Scottsdale came up. Not even close...there aren't any losers with frosted tips and Sugar Ray haircuts in Maine...

"I'll never let them hurt you

I promise"



I didn't finish the first half of reflect. I said I was going to push to, but to be honest, I didn't let myself. I actually got positively distracted. I did a bit of art and collected ideas for the book. Honestly, all the brainstorming I did satisfies me. I've pretty much got the entire first half of the book planned out, along the majority of planning done for the second half. I've also written a couple of pages from it, but not in the order I need. From what I have done though, I'm confident in the rest of it.

Updating is going to be much slower now that 1.) I am back in school, and 2.) I broke my laptop. Yes, I finally pushed it too far. I knew there was something wrong with it, and decided that I know how to fix computers and took it apart, only to find out later that a part of the laptop that wont come off when disassembled is the monitor cord, which I somehow damaged. The actual laptop isn't broken, but the screen has 2/3s of it in blank white, and the small portion at the top is still visible. I am now connecting my laptop to an external monitor and lucky for me, I'm missing the AC cable. So I borrowed my sister's cable from her computer for the night.

Break is now over, and it is the final quarter of this year. I always used to look at it as a football game in elementary school. I guess it isn't as easy as that anymore. With the next few AIMS sessions, cramming for finals, and every damned reading quiz in between, the last thing I need is to leave for a week and a half right before finals. I know that Disneyworld and the cruise and all of that will be great and fun and every other adjective describing joyous. But in reality, that week is just another week that I'll be missing essential crap in school. And the time couldn't be worse. End of April to beginning of May. Right when most of my classes will begin a year's review. I'm going to get all the work early and do it before I leave, but at the same time, as I am running around the deck of the ship with whatever other teens happen to be there, school is going to be haunting my mind.

This past week has been great, though. A lot has been realized and said in the current situation, and I'm pretty sure that this time the decision was made honestly. We both came to realize that what happened ultimately happened, but in the midst of it brought us back together. With it happening, it gave me the gall and the commitment to find the problem, make a plan to solve it, and go through with it. I've done all of that. On the emotional side of it, it has shown us the opposite side of the spectrum, and we don't like it. It showed us how much both of us actually care about each other and how we wouldn't feel this way if it wasn't something important. This all sounds like complete bullshit to the bottomfeeders who might still (but really shouldn't if they do) care. Oh well. They don't know. Bottom line is right there before their eyes.

I got a present from my dad for Valentine's Day (family thing. I tend to get little bitsy gifts for the bitsy holidays i.e.Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Easter)

Side Note:
I find it kinda funny how I actually get legitimate gifts for Easter. A few years back, I got a digital camera on a holiday that I couldn't care less about/beleive in. With Christmas, fine. I see it as much more of a family up-bringing than Easter. But damn! Really? Also, money too. If I recall, fifty to a hundred dollars for Jesus Zombie Day. But then again, the suppliers of the gifts are Catholic, so that day just means a lot to them. Not enough for me to go to church, that is for cereal.

Anyway, the book is called "Wooden" and to my dismay have not started reading it yet, All the time in the world and reading really didn't captivate me. But the book is coming with me to school now until I finish it. I often have little periods of time in a few classes that I find myself daydreaming in, so I can actually have something to do. That is what I did with "Fight Club" for a while.

I've watched That 70's Show for quite a while now (asking backup from my dad: How many times would you either come home to me watching it or me attempting to kick the boys from Cyberchase to watch it?) and have noticed something very important. TV is really not a way to model a situation. For people who state that they are becoming Ross and Rachael or an Eliot and J.D. (God, I hate Scrubs. Shoot me now, I know. I am basically the only person who doesn't find it funny, but I don't) is not healthy. I really hope that people don't do it, but I know that there are people who do. Really...people who go through the things that they do in That 70's Show don't continue to meet in the same basement everyday.

I've gotten a good amount of crap out for a solid post. I've decided that by the end of the school year, reflect will be finished, I'm going to have more art, and actually record. That last one is a biggie. I've been saying that for almost a year now, and I really need to. Oh well. It'll happen. At least one song.

OHMAN!
Forget about finishing there!

WHABAM!
Some guy who could afford a video camera in the speck of PA that I call my hometown decided to videotape random crap around the Sharon area.
Stop the video at 0:08.
There are two place mats. The one at the top of the screen is my official spot. Mine. Reserved. That place is my seat. Ask my father, my grandfather, anyone else in my family, and hell, even the bartender Lou (shes great).
The place is called the Quaker Steak and Lube as a parody of an auto shop, and has been a part of my life since I was a mere child.
That place has so many of my most heartfelt memories, and I am going to type as many as I can remember now.

My spot came to be when I attended a Bike Nite at the establishment. The whole place would sponsor a night where all the local bikers (As in motorcycle) would gather and park and have an overall good time. It was customary, however, to look the part. So many many people wearing their leather vests and gloves and bandannas. My grandfather happened to had recently purchased a Harley and wanted to attend (not our first time, but first Bike Nite). I was wearing a bandanna that my grandfather had bought me, and when it came time to eat we headed to the bar. Pennsylvania law states that kids can sit at the bar accompanied by an adult, so I was allowed to sit with them. That was when I met Lou. She became my friend after a devastating mistake on my behalf.

The Lube (as I call it) is famous and most widely known for their wings. If I can remember, something along the lines of 22 or something close to 30 types of sauce and all were aligned on a hotness scale. I usually ordered Arizona Ranch, which became a bit of irony for me. At the top of the scale was the Atomic sauce, which isn't even a sauce. To make it, the people in the kitchen have to leave and there is this huge process into making this damned sauce to go on a few lousy wings. The sauce is so hot that above the entrance to the bar, there are packets of paper that are labeled Atomic Survivors, meaning they ate the wing. Back to Lou.

My grandfather decided it would be funny to order an Atomic wing. A few if I recall. I was enjoying my wings and reached in for another. I took a bite, and I suddenly felt as if I poured some combination of battery acid and lighter fluid on my tongue. So my grandfather starts laughing and I am on the verge of tears when Lou gives me a shot glass of chocolate sauce. After about three more, the hurt went away.

The next time we came, I sat in my spot again, and she looked at me in this odd way. She recognized me, but wanted to poke fun at it, asking, "Where the hell is your bandanna?" Ever since then, that has been my spot.

School tomorrow. I want to share more, but I know that Calo's quiz is going to bite me in the ass if I don't get any sleep. Sometime this week I'll get around to it.

"And I get a little shaken

because I live my life like this"



FACT:
This song was off of MCR's first album I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love, but the video was made during their Three Cheers era. It was right before the original drummer and founding member Matt Pellisier left the band. He is in the video as he recorded with them for the first two records. It might explain the sudden dramatic change in edgeyness from the first two into Black Parade (Which was amazing, but each record has it's own strong and weak points). The video is also a tribute in a way to a Japanese horror film called The Audition. It is about a guy who holds auditions to meet potential girlfriends. All are either too peppy or too upfront or flat or something like that, but this one girl (who looks like every evil thing in a Jap Horror film i.e.black hair, almost white skin, long hair, has the sense she might end up doing unnecessary murderous acupuncture to you...etc)captures his interest and he wants more. The movie is actually quite boring, excluding a few splices you see of a bag moving around in the girls apartment. I won't spoil it. The ending is ridiculously amazing though. A...what? Hour and a half build up to reveal the final 45 minutes that leave you speechless.


The first two albums have been a great influence on the writing process. Last night I couldn't go to sleep because of it. I had all of these great ideas come to mind that I had to write down, and I think I've got it all planned out. I just need to write it out and organize it. I wrote some pages last night. They're pretty good. I also couldn't sleep out of fear of the rabbit. It is still unnamed, and am almost considering calling it the rabbit in the book. But the way I made it, it is creepy. It even scares me to think about. Imagine seeing this face in the corners of your room while you are trying to sleep:



It took a lot for me to go with the rabbit. It has been used before indefinitely. Donnie Darko has Frank, the menacing rabid rabbit mascot that haunts Donnie. Alice has the White Rabbit. The idea sparked from LeATHERMOUTH, which is Frank Iero's (MCR's Rhythm Guitarist) side project, in which all the members except Frank wear rabbit masks. Oh well. It all works too well. Heroin was first tested on rabbits to market as aspirin. It all makes much more sense in my head. I could say it all, but that would ruin the whole point of the book, so I won't. Just trust me, it makes sense.

The original idea of the story has definitely evolved, going from a mirror pointing out the wrongs in the character's life and how they need to take responsibility for it has slowly morphed into a heroin (back to this later) addict that has the constant images of a rabbit haunting him to continue using, while every time he looks in the mirror, the mirror tries to show him what is becoming of him by distorting his face and pushing him into taking action. I am very excited to put all of this into action, especially with the terminology I created for the book.

Now, heroin. The symptoms the character shows suggest that he is on heroin, PCP, and LSD. I have to figure out a way to do this. I was thinking of somehow lacing the heroin, but I doubt that is possible. I'll think of something eventually.

I've split the book into two parts. First is his encounter and steady decline due to use, then part two is the long term effects and his choice as to what to do. I'm not going to say the ending. I'm too excited for it. It is just...oh man. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but it really is just amazing.


Tomorrow I am going over to Ashley's to watch Donnie Darko and have her read the little tidbits I have of the story. I am very confidant that this could maybe actually go somewhere. It would be great to see that rabbit staring down teens from the bookshelves as they reach for a copy of Twilight or something like that. The only problem is publishing requirements. A lot of publishers only take certain types of books, and I can't label it. It is not in a format that I can just say YA or something like that. Although I would hope teens would read it, nothing in the book has to do with a teen problem or teens at all. It sure as hell isn't fantasy or anything. I think that there should be a genre called "Brutally Honest with an Artistic and Psychological Twist".



I need my inhaler from laughing too much

Anyone want to make me happy for life?

This would make my life complete


http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=16304891&color=05

Televators

Freaking amazing

I'm falling in love with them even more
I'm so glad that I got back into them

"Who are you to

wave your finger?"



Something that really pisses me off is when people talk when it isn't their place
I can understand when they make a mistake of talking about someone
It has been a mistake of mine and others mistake it being about them
That's fine

But when you bring up a topic that I know I have more experience or knowledge in
That pisses me off

Talking about a band I have listened to longer than you and had been particularly influenced by as if I have no clue what they are talking about is just stupid

As much as I will say it
It will go ignored
Words can be written however you intend them to be
But not always will they be understood that way

Key example
Our honors english curriculum
What do you think the author meant when they named the character Monday?
(Answer is he sucks)
People always find it helpful to adapt something to their situation
Even if totally not related

Why do girls love the song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder?
It is about a guy not being honest about his feelings
But women seem to love that song
(My father will back me up on this)

So, when the song says "Who are you to wave your finger?"
It is clearly talking about the government's death-grip on showing the negative effects of pot
But who is to say that it can't adapt?
Like someone who obviously is trying to play it off as if they aren't involved

Just a bit of thought
For the one challenging me in a battle of art
Back off
Because this is something that I do have a common knowledge of
Even if I don't take part in the activities many bands endorse


Oh
Okay
Speaking of that
I am also fed up with this "I love the Beatles" bullshit
Isn't it a little convenient that this all happened directly after the release of Across the Universe?

I'm not crazy about the Beatles
I love them to death for bringing the outrage they felt about certain customs and the experiences they dealt with and bring them into lyrics
But all the people who are suddenly Beatles fans really piss me off
And not the ones who were aware that the Beatles made a huge impact on the music community with their coming to America to play on the Ed Sullivan Show in '64
The ones who can sing the words to Strawberry Fields Forever and not Give Peace A Chance


Recently I have adapted this radical state of mind
No more allowing people to get away with shit
It is not going to be that way anymore

I'm hoping I get get my hands on some random pieces that I can use all of this for in an art project or something
I have quite a few ideas actually
And I need to put them into action soon



I'm going to be doing a blog about evolution, war, and all the things I beleive in that won't change tomorrow
So
Religion
Social Behavior
Those are the main two